Grilled Goat

[Resident Puritan enters. She has the beer. She takes a selfie.]

Rosemar Avelyn: Resident Puritan! Thank you for being our first interviewee.

Resident Puritan: I don't think I had much of a choice.

RA: You mentioned something about being a scapegoat, right?

RP: Yes.

RA: Want to tell us a little more about that?

RP: You know, I've always felt that my role in life has been to be the clown in the circus. You've gotta loosen up and laugh a bit to get yourself ready for the rest of the show… I'm the precursor to greatness.

RA: Speaking of goats — if you were an actual goat, hypothetically, what color goat do you think you would be?

RP: What a great question. Let me tell you about a traumatic memory that I don't actually remember. Back in the day, when I was just a wee young thing of less than a year old, my family went to this place called Davis' Farmland. It was not a farm but a petting zoo. Yay for capitalism and removing us from our actual roots… but that's another story. So apparently we're in this petting zoo and there are lots of baby goats around. And this baby goat comes over and pushes my stroller over. And I said "How dare you approach the queen!"… all this to say, if I had to choose a color, I'd have to go big or go home and just go for black. Pure evil. Just go for pure evil.

RA: So you don't have any affection for goats in any way?

RP: No. No affection for goats. I have a deep-seated hatred from this memory that I don't remember of being pushed around by a goat.

RA: So I take it that if you were ever to own a farm you would definitely not have goats.

RP: I think it's a stretch that I would ever own a farm, but if hypothetically I ever got hit with the tradwife bug and really wanted to Laura Ingalls it up, I would not have goats. Goat products are meh. Goat cheese? Meh. Gross. Sheep are great. Cows are great if someone else takes care of them.

Pilgrim Puddleglum: What about cats?

RP: No. I do not like cats. Cats are growing on me a little bit… one of my friends says I have street cat energy because of the cats in Rome that roam the streets at night looking for someone to devour.

RA: Can you confirm for the sake of the interview that you are in fact a ginger?

RP: I am in fact a ginger.

RA: Do you think that the fact that Pilgrim Puddleglum and I were inspired to talk to you about goats today has any connection to your lack of a soul?

RP: Now that you mention it, I am a little suspicious.

PP: Would you ever team up with the goats, given your lack of soul?

RP: You know, if I'm going to be scapegoated, let me just be the bad guy. Let me just go all in. I'll join up with the goats I also dislike, and at the end of the day I'm sure fried goat is also good. Betraying my allies for the sake of domination.

RA: One more question — on a more serious note. Do you think being a willing scapegoat is heroic or dishonest, and why?

RP: My temptation is to say both, because I think it does depend on context. Pay attention to your motivation — if you're doing it to feel good about yourself I'm not sure that's the right thing to do. More often than not it leans towards dishonesty. But if you are mistaken for being at fault for something, at that point you just sort of have to accept you're being dealt this card. That I think is truly heroic.

There are lots of good dying-to-self moments that happen over the course of your life without you asking for it. Short answer: if you're seeking to be a scapegoat, you should probably get some mental aid.* You should not seek it, but if it comes to you there's a true heroism in accepting that.

RA: Along the lines of mortification, rather than being a doormat for someone else's mistakes.

RP: Exactly.

RA: That's all the questions I had! Thank you so much for being our first interviewee.

RP: Some grilled goat for your weekend. Which is fitting. Because Tom Brady is the GOAT and I am from New England.

PP (a Bills fan): Why don't we NOT talk about Tom Brady.

RP: All right… sorry…

[The Resident Puritan leaves to attend the next thing scheduled in her busy life.]

* Shameless plug for Resident Puritan's future career in therapy.